


Armed with will and determination

by taggiecb



Series: Grace, Too [2]
Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Arguing, Communication, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-30
Updated: 2019-05-30
Packaged: 2020-03-29 09:17:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,908
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19016944
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/taggiecb/pseuds/taggiecb
Summary: A pov switch to see how Harry felt about Louis declaring his feelings for Harry.





	Armed with will and determination

**Author's Note:**

  * For [allwaswell16](https://archiveofourown.org/users/allwaswell16/gifts).



> Another request from a lovely and supportive friend and another glimpse into the world of Farmer Louis. Thank you so much for the idea xoxo

Harry stands on the wooden porch and stares at the kitchen door of the farmhouse. He feels weird about just walking in even though he has never once knocked before, even on the first day he showed up. It feels like a lifetime ago now.

He knows though that knocking won’t do him any good. He knows that Louis isn’t in the house. He wouldn’t be finished with evening chores yet.A pang of guilt hits him. He should be out there too. There’s no reason why he can’t. _That’s a lie_ his mind supplies unhelpfully, and yes of course Harry knows that, but he would rather not think about it right at this moment.

But Louis did say it was important in the voicemail. The voicemail that Harry had listened to at least a half a dozen times just to hear Louis’ voice. He sounded sad, resigned. It broke Harry’s heart, but a small part of him was glad that Louis was as affected by this turbulence as he is. He puts his hand on the door and walks into the cold, dark room.

“Oh,” The voice startles Harry out of his daydream as he absently stirs a cup of coffee. He couldn’t sit still and wait, he had to find something to keep his hands busy and staring at pictures of Louis’ family on the shelves only made him feel more emotional.

When he turns he sees Louis. He looks tired, and wary. Wary of what, Harry isn’t sure, but his mouth is set in a grimace, but his eyes, without the spark that they normally have, are surprised, and hopeful?

“Hey,” he replies, trying to keep his voice steady. He turns and stares at the counter again for just a moment in order to compose himself before he passes a cup to Louis. Louis looks as if Harry had given him the world. It’s not surprising, coffee fixes a lot of Louis’ problems. Harry begins to smile at the thought before his body remembers everything that has passed between them.

“You said it was important,” Harry explains his presence with as simple of a sentiment as he can muster.

“I did,” Louis replies, shoulders relaxing just a fraction before he sits down, begging Harry silently to follow. He does because he would follow Louis anywhere.

 

When Louis tells him that he had discovered things while Harry was gone, Harry is almost offended.

“Did you?” He scoffs. _Fucking typical,_  he thinks, that Louis realises what Harry means to him after everything has been torn apart, ruined.

Louis makes a joke about Gray slapping some sense into him, but it only twists Harry’s gut more tightly. Gray had to point it out. Harry will never be able to look any of Louis’ family in the eye again.

“What did you find out?” Harry forces tears to hold back and swallows the lump in his throat.

Louis’ nervous gaze turns to one of concern for a moment before he takes another deep breath. “I have discovered that I haven’t fully recovered from my parents dying, even though it was a long time ago.”

Harry can practically hear the record scratch in his head. The swirl of emotions as he wondered how he was going to tell Louis that it was too late halts to a deafening silence and Harry starts to see Louis, and listen for the first time since they sat down.

“Which led me to realise that a lot of things that I’ve been feeling over the last long while weren’t really….” Louis pauses and Harry can see the struggle in his eyes. He wants to make it stop, he wants to tell Louis that everything will be alright. But he can’t do that because this isn’t his fight. Louis takes another shaky breath “I wasn’t feeling things that I should have been feeling.”

Harry takes a shaky breath. They’re so close to the core of what has been thrashing around between them but Harry feels at the same time that they couldn’t be further apart. “So you weren’t feeling things?”

“Until,” Louis looks at him with vulnerable eyes, but guilt as well. Maybe Louis does get it. “You came here. You made me feel things.”

They’re just about as close to the words that Harry has wanted to hear for months. What Harry has known to be the truth for months. Louis has feelings for him. He wants to tell Louis this, wants to shout it to anyone that will listen. He has known all this time and it’s like he’s living with the biggest secret of his life. But he can’t. Because as much as this has hurt Harry, he can’t even fathom the pain in Louis’ eyes. The pain isn’t from hurt feelings or a rejected lover. Louis’ pain runs so deep that it’s practically pouring out of him.

“Okay,” Harry says, not knowing what else there is to say to that that wouldn’t damage Louis more, that wouldn’t tear them further apart.

“But because I was... am dealing with this grief and...trauma, I guess...I didn’t realise that the feelings I had were something more.”

Louis is barely even speaking to Harry now, running through what must be confusing and hurtful thoughts out loud. “More than what?” He whispers, not wanting to break the bubble that Louis is wrapping around himself.

Louis looks at Harry, and Harry has no doubt who he’s talking to anymore. As quickly as he was in his own head, Louis is now focusing ever ounce of energy at capturing Harry’s attention. “I’ve been with one person in my life. Loved one person, romantically that is.” At the mention of Lindsey Harry squirms. Not that he has anything against the woman, but he can’t even admit to himself how many nights he has lain awake wondering what Louis would want with him that the mother of his children couldn’t offer, among other thoughts of comparison that varied from mild envy to blatant jealousy. “...There isn’t any hate, but no love.” Louis says and Harry can’t even bring himself to admit why Louis is even telling him this.

“Okay,” He says again. Louis gives him an annoyed huff, but doesn’t call him out on his inability, or unwillingness to contribute more.

“But I also wasn’t able to see, to realise that I was falling in love with someone else.” Louis says with more confidence than Harry has ever heard him say anything outside his work. Why does it feel like a punishment hearing Louis speak to him this way now? Why does it have to feel so wrong? Harry knows. Because it’s too late.

Louis,” He wants to tell him to stop, but he can’t say that. He can’t form the words that will make this all go away.

“No, I’m not done.” Louis says. Harry didn’t expect any less but opens his mouth to protest again. Louis stops him with just a flick of the wrist and he wants to grab that wrist and bring it close to his chest. He wants to show Louis what he’s doing to Harry. It’s too much. He doesn’t know how much more of it he can bare. ““I am being honest with you. I care about you. I love you. I’ve never even considered that a relationship with a man was something that I wanted, but it has nothing to do with men or women. It’s you, and I love everything about you.”

Fuck it hurts. He feels like he’s watching someone splay themselves out piece by piece on a butcher’s block, someone he loves more than he ever knew possible, and he can’t do anything to stop it. He wants to scream.

“That being said, I’m not okay. And you can’t fix that. And just because I say that I want you,”  Louis leans closer and something raw and primitive flashes in his eyes. Harry’s breath catches as he watches Louis’ mouth quirk and move with every word. “and don’t get me wrong, I want you. I have no right to expect for you to just drop everything and involve yourself in my mess. I don’t want you to.”

“So what do you want from me?” Harry isn’t trying to hide it, it’s a plea for mercy. He wants Louis to both pull him in and take him to whatever pits of hell is playing in Louis’ own head, or release him to let him heal. Death by love or death by loneliness, either prospect will at least end the pain.

“I’m hoping that you will come back to work,” Louis starts. Christ, this man and his work.  “I understand if you don’t. I’m hoping that we can become...friends at least? And most of all I’m hoping that you forgive me.”

Harry wants to take that word friends and burn it in the fire. He hates that word, but that isn’t the issue right now. Not yet. “Forgive you?”

“I hurt you, and while I’m still not fully sure how, or when it went wrong, I’m hoping that this talk at least brings to light some of what has been going on on my end, and that eventually you can forgive what happened between us.”

Harry can tell him exactly where it went wrong. It went wrong when Harry decided that he was going to fall helplessly and completely in love with Louis. But he won’t tell him that, not yet when it’s too raw, too close.

“I’m coming back to work. I never planned on quitting. I just needed some time.” This is a blatant lie, up until ten minutes ago he had never planned on stepping foot in this house again. But he’s not ready yet. Either that or he actually does hate himself as much as he had earlier suspected. He hears Louis sigh in relief and realises that he’s staring at his hands. He looks up at the relief on Louis’ face and panics.  “I can’t move back in here,” he rushes, and before his brain can catch up his mouth adds “not yet.” He can see the disappointment. It practically breaks his heart when Louis nods in compliance. “I’ll be here, no matter what. When you need me. Whether that’s as an employee or as a friend.” He says the blasted word as if he doesn’t want to choke on it.

“That’s...thank you Harry.” Louis offers, the relief not quite back, but a small smile offered in appreciation.

“And there’s nothing to forgive,” Harry tells him, almost believing it himself. “ I am as much to blame for all of this as you, and maybe someday you’ll be ready to hear my side of the story.”

Louis’ face drains it’s colour just a bit but he nods. “That’s fair, thank you.” He says before his eyes go soft and a corner of his lip turns up. It’s a look that Harry has seen Louis give him countless times and it still takes him off guard. “I’m not going to pretend that I don’t love you,”

Harry wants to say that he never has. He wants to tell Louis that he has felt his love since the first day he come face to face with him in front of Louis’ kitchen door. But he’s not ready for that. Neither of them are. “That’s fair.” He says instead of takes a sip of bittersweet coffee.


End file.
